Well, I have not posted since May of 2015.
I have not been kind to myself in the year since then. I did not follow any kind of diet (other than the "see food" one, where I saw food and ate it). I did not exercise. I did not do much of anything for my own happiness. I tried to refine a toxic relationship and slipped into a dark place. It has been a hell of a year, but not for "Oh, Yeah!" kind of reasons.
As I got lower mentally and emotionally, my physical health really slipped. I have started to have some mobility issues, and the energy issues intensified. I was feeling *every one* of my 58 years. I was starting to be really afraid of what I would be like in 5 years, much less 10 or 20.
I tried alcohol to ease my pain, followed by more food, spending, crying, and hibernating in my room for as long as possible (excepting for employment and maintaining some sort of family relationships). None of that worked for me. I have been so, so depressed and anxious.
I tried turning to prayer, but found after months of neglecting my prayer and spiritual life that God felt radio silent for me. I was angry. Where was He, when I really needed him? It just seemed to reinforce my aloneness, loneliness, feelings of unworthiness, uselessness, shame -- all of the things that I battle on a daily, if not hourly, basis.
I did not give up on the prayer, though. That is really the *only* thing (other than my family relationships and job) that I have stayed with this past year. It gave me *something* to do that felt at least a little positive (because, Lord knows, I was being HORRIBLE to myself otherwise).
Then, a week ago, I felt a whisper. I was praying, or trying to. It really amounted to a snotty, sobbing mess, mentally vomiting my version of my endless faults, failings and general despair, done silently with bowed head.
I felt, but not really heard, the whisper -- it was almost like a vibration in my head. "Mother yourself," the whisper said. It stunned me.
I have punished myself, hurt myself, blamed myself, denied myself, hated myself. I have done endless things to harm myself -- physically and mentally. I have ignored myself, neglected myself, put myself down. I have lied about my feelings and needs - to myself and others. I have put myself last, while resenting myself and others for not putting me first (or considering my needs at all). I have waged a war to silence myself for so long, that my need to be heard is almost overwhelming. I have hated myself for so long that I have a gaping, bottomless pit of need to be loved. I am so very, very wounded now.
"Mother" is a complex thing to me. My own mother battled, and still does battle, emotional, mental and esteem issues. Her attempted suicide, endless threats of attempted suicide, and emotional vacancy have held me in a terrible place for a long, long time. I rationally know that she did the best she could by and for me, given her circumstances, but I also know that I have deep needs that were not met during my childhood. I am a physically bordering-on-elderly women, who is still an emotional child in many ways. I am mother to two girls. I loved the caring for them, holding them, rocking them, feeding them, reading to them, tucking them safely into bed. Cooking for them, doing crafts, making clothes and costumes for them. I was very successful at most areas of mothering them (but, admittedly, I was unable to give them a healthy role model either physically or emotionally). Still, being a mother is one of the few things I that feel I was pretty much successful at -- my girls are grown, they are beautiful, they are smart, they are kind, they are talented.
"Mother youryself." What did that even mean? If one of my girls came to me in my current state and situation, what would I do to and for them?
I would try to heal them. I would try to soothe them. I would cook for them, clothe them, arrange special things for them. I would do it over and over and over (because that is what Mothers do -- they love by repetition and constancy). I would smile at them, I would tell them that I love them, in words and deeds. I would not let a cranky mood stop me -- children are cranky and we love them anyway. I would delight in their success, and listen to their problems.
Can I do this for myself? Is this the answer to healing myself?
I started on May 4. I made a good, healthy breakfast for myself. I ate it at my kitchen table, set with a lovely tablecloth, on the dishes that I like. I took time to really be there in the moment, enjoying the food and the meal. True, I ate it alone. Even though married, our schedules and temperaments do not really mesh. He is all "his schedule, his routine" in the morning, and is a creature of noise and input (television first thing, lots of lights on, bustle). I am a creature of introspection and silence, and even more so in the morning. My mornings are best with prayer time, calm time at the table, silence or low music.
My day on the 4th included a drive to work with music I like, the usual (not too stressful, thankfully) work day, a good, healthy lunch I had packed and brought from home so that I did not buy crap and eat it during the day. I had a couple of snacks planned, too. Dinner was at my table again, in the calm, and included candles that I like. I had a warm, scented bath, and put myself to bed early. It was just an ordinary day, but extraordinary for me. Just a day before, I would have skipped breakfast, perhaps sniping with my husband about his morning noise and commotion. I would have stressed about the traffic on the way to work. I would have worked to the point of hunger, then overloaded by buying a huge lunch and snacks from the local deli. I would have felt bad about the food later (knowing that I am so fat, and I just added to it), and it would not have been nutritious food to take care of my body, anyway). After another stressful drive home, it would be dinner in the car through a drive through, or carryout at home, or some large carby thing, washed down with beer or wine or diet soda. Up late, playing games or trolling the internet or reading, falling asleep when exhausted, knowing that I had to be up in 3 or 4 or 5 hours to do it again.
I have logged a full week of being kinder to myself. I am trying to give my body the food it needs, the water it needs, the sleep it needs. I am choosing to not react to (or not react as strongly to) emotional triggers in my family relationships. I have reached out to see my mom again (after a 1+ year estrangement on my part). I am still unclear if that is a good thing or a bad thing for me. I will see her this weekend, and will know after if this adds to my life or not.
I have cooked for myself, fixed up some clothes that needed it and I had never gotten around to, bought a pair of shoes that do not hurt my feet, listened to music that I like. I have not let myself get too exhausted, or too hungry. I have made a point to smile at myself in the mirror. I am trying to take care of the old/young, adult/child that stares back at me.
I am using an App (Lose It!) to help with meal planning and tracking, knowing that I need to mother myself by taking care of my body now. I have shopped for foods that I like that I will fix for myself (with extra servings for my family). I am still mostly focused on mothering through food, scent, music and sleep right now. With a few more weeks, I will add some mothering that takes me outside my house. But, for right now, I am feeling better physically, more cared for, calmer, and more rested.
It is a much needed, and much appreciated, start.
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