God & Gratitude

Since I am embarking on a journey of major life change, and I am scared in so, so many ways, I have spent hours scouring my Bible for inspiration and encouragement. This has been a change for me – I am more apt to scour my Bible for comfort and justification. I do what I *want*, then seek absolution. Now, I seek to do what I *need* to do, what I feel *led* to do, and guidance from Scripture to help me.

 

It has been very peaceful/painful/enlightening/convicting to do this.

 

It has reminded me that God loves me, even though I lack the capacity currently to love myself. It has also pointed out to me that I frequently seek *my* will and not God’s will. I do not get help, because I do not seek it. Not from myself, not from others, not from God. My God is not small. If He created the universe, why do I feel he is not able help me to be healthy and happy? Why is He not my first lifeline when I need help? Why do I feel that I do *not* need help?   Dr. Phil keeps repeating in my mind: “How’s that working for you?”

 

Let me be real here – it is *not* working for me.

 

This is a verse from my Bible study, that hit me full-force today:

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods.

His love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1-2).

 

I am so busy focusing on/feeling sorry about my weight/health problems, family relationship problems, work problems, self-image and doubt problems, that I have not *thanked* God for much of anything. I focus so on the negative, that I am blind to the positive of my life. I know God has never left me. Even through the sh*t parts of my life, He was there. I felt him. I do not deserve his Grace, but I have it. This is, truly, the only constant, sustaining, and unconditional relationship that I have. Why, why, do I not honor it more?

 

So, I am going to work on refocusing my thoughts during this journey. I seek to praise first, and ask second. To thank always, and ask only sometimes. To remember who *I* am, and where I came from. To remember that becoming healthy/happy is not only about food and the scale – that all parts of my life have to come into harmony. No part of me can be neglected, if I want the whole of me to heal.
 
Today, I …

• Thank you, God, for allowing me to live this long, so I have a chance to change.
• Thank you, God, for healthy food, so that I may feel better.
• Thank you, God, for your unfailing love, so that I can learn to love myself.
• Thank you, God, for my family, so that I am not alone.
• Thank you, God, for my job, so that my life is easier.
• Thank you, God, for your Son, so that I have Grace and hope for today.