Feelings are Hard

Feelings are hard.

Feelings without my normal coping skills of food/alcohol/spending $$ are excruciatingly hard.

I stuck to my eating plan over the weekend, but it was with gritted teeth, calorie-by-calorie, hour-by-hour.

Ugh.

I cannot seem to get to a place of relative civility with my DH.  I am trying to flap my fledgling wings and express my feelings honestly (which I stuffed down and in with food and other stuff previously), and he just does not get it and is not offering the support that I need.  I literally sat him down on Friday night and bared my soul with how hard I am struggling and how much I just need some space and some grace.  I am overwhelmed at work (and pretty much hate my job), I am overwhelmed at home (the house is a wreck since the weeDD moved back in, and we were in the process of a major purge when she did, plus we have all of the leftover stuff from our now-defunct resale business cluttering up the basement and garage.  It is visual chaos, everywhere you look)  I am trying to re-establish a relationship of some sort with my mom, after an 18-month estrangement.  She is tough for me to handle, even when I could stuff her down with tequila and cookies.  Adding the stress that DH generates in endless waves, and I am over my limit.  I do not know whether to scream or cry or run.

DH has pretty much been a major penis-head all weekend.

My visit with my mom was okay-ish.

I killed myself painting 2/3 of weeDD’s room, and my body is screaming in pain today (yeah, Lupus!).

It is Monday, and work  s—u—c—k—s  donkey gonads.

I would usually hit the local donut stand for a double large quick sugar/carb rush.  Let me be brutally honest that my coffee and protein shake breakfast is just not cutting it, comfort-wise.  I am exceptionally and exquisitely cranky right now.

I am still moving forward, but it is forward motion while cattle-prodding myself constantly today.

Ugh.